Monday, February 08, 2010

“I Do Not Have a Small Penis. Paula Jones Has a Big Mouth” – Bill Clinton/Phil Hartman

Larry David: Oh! I didn't even tell you. I ran into somebody you went out with.… She's Lewis' nurse.

Jeff Garmin: Lisa Thompson?

Larry David: Yeah, you had a little thing with her, didn't you?

Jeff Garmin: Yeah, yeah, didn't work out.

Larry David: She told me you had, erm, [Holds up the international and ASL sign for small penis]

Jeff Garmin: No, no, no. [Holds up what will become the international and ASL sign for big vagina. Trust me. It's going to be a thing.]

Larry David: Big vagina?

Jeff Garmin: Gigantic vagina! … Biggest vagina known to man! HUGE!

Larry David: You're kidding? Are you telling me the truth?

Jeff Garmin: It's gigantic. Gigantic.

Larry David: So why is she going around making this accusation?

Jeff Garmin: Because, maybe, she's afraid that you'll find out that she has a big vagina. Why would she even do that? I don't know.

Larry David: Nipping it in the bud.

Jeff Garmin: How dare she?! I'll tell you what. I betcha' there's a ton of guys out there who've been labeled with small penises. I betcha' fifty percent … And it's the big vagina.

Larry David: Think of it biologically. Why shouldn't there be as many big vaginas as there are small penises? Right?

Jeff Garmin: These big vagina ladies are getting away with murder. Something should be done. I don't know what can be done, but something should be done.

Larry David: We're a helluva lot more discreet then they are, aren't we? They can't do this [Holds up the international and ASL sign for small penis again] enough.

Jeff Garmin: Oh, they love it. They love it.

Larry David: Well, you know what? This is me from now on. [Holds up the international and ASL sign for big vagina. Told ya'. It's going to be a thing.]

Hm, that's odd. You would suppose that there would be as many big vaginas as there are small penises, but I don't know. I've never seen a big vagina.

For some reason—luck of the draw, a six sense, mutant power—I've only encountered small vaginas, sometimes painfully so, in my exploits. I don't know what to make of that.

Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

[Shifts eyes to the left. Adjusts tie. Inspects nails. Checks the sky for signs of rain, etc.—anything to avoid making eye contact with anyone seeking follow-up information on this.]


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