Hey, Elin, if You Find that You Really Can't Go Back Now that You've Gone Black, I Might Know Someone Who's Your Type. Call Me!

Ms. Nordegren and Mr. Woods issued this joint statement:

We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Okay, one of us puts keeping his dick wet 24/7/365 (and 366 on Leap Years — Hollar, bitches!!) ahead of the kids, but reasonable parents can agree to disagree on the proper position of kids in one's life. But we digress. Where were we? Oh, yes, once she we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure her their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.

“Can someone sign my name to this? I'd do it, but if I don't leave now, I'll never be able get in 18 holes of golf and the wait staff of Denny's before sundown.