Nero Fiddled. Biff Baked

Dear Children of the World being Kept Alive by U.N.-Supplied Gruel,

You know how much we've helped you, and, no doubt, it's led you to ask yourself what you can do to show your thanks in return. Here's what you can do.

You know how we've wired your schools and public spaces. Well, to say, “Thanks,” this Thanksgiving, stay off the Internet, and if you can't do that—say, you have a project or Nigerian Prince scam that needs attending to—if the Internet can't be avoided, then just don't google “Thanksgiving” or search for it on YouTube. I'd appreciate it. I think everyone else would, too.

It's not that we're trying to hide anything. It's just that we don't want to hear your hearts break while we're trying to eat our second and third helpings of pig stuffed with five kinds of fowl (turkey, duck, chicken, cornish hen, and quail) and meat gloop. It's bad for the digestion.

Sincerely,
Biff Loman