That Is Not How You Save a Marriage

Workplace Romance: Warning Danger Ahead

By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Special for eDiets

February 20, 2005

Dear Ian:
I'm a happily married man, and I love my wife, but I've developed a workplace flirtation that may be going too far. How do I know for sure, and what do I do to make sure I don't go over the line?
-- Name Withheld

...If you find yourself in a situation of jeopardy, either after work or at a convention, or wherever, and things are heated up and you're really lusting, go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face, and remind yourself that you're on the verge of potentially ruining your personal life AND your professional life. It won't help. The call of new sex is too strong. So go in a stall and masturbate....

Workplace Romance: Warning Danger from Ph.D. Advice Ahead

By Bifferson Loman, Know-It-All
Special to the Truth

Dear Know-It-All:
I'm a happily married man, and I love my wife, but I've developed a workplace flirtation that may be going too far. To avoid trouble and possibly save my marriage, Ian Kerner, Ph.D. has suggested masturbation. In the bathroom. At work. I don't know. It sounds sketchy. Can I really masturbate my way to a stronger marriage? Should I listen to this guy?
--Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld (good move, there):
No. He's a Ph.D. What does he know about relationships? Ph.D.s — almost by definition — have no experience with the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's their thing). Ph.Ds know masturbation. So like the guy with the hammer who begins to see every problem as a nail, Ph.D.s see masturbation as the solution to all relationship ills. It isn't yours.

No, you should take advice from someone who's kissed a girl before.

I recommend drinking — heavily — but in the spirit of full disclosure, I should say, drinking is my hammer.