There Are Tiger Cubs with Better Sex Lives than Mine

Three cubs were born at the zoo in mid-March, but their mother killed one and refused to nurse the others. Veterinarians rescued the other two but had little success bottle feeding them. "They had some difficulties sucking the nipple on the bottle. When we tried to get the cubs to suck a lady's breast, it was alright," said a veterinarian.

The law guy imagines, the next thing said was along the lines of "That's so crazy it just might work."

I have a somewhat different vision. In it, the vets of the Yangon Zoo Skunk Work division are hovering around Ms. Htay, and critiquing the nursing technique of a colleague:

Jim: "Well, yeah, they could suckle like that -- if they were pan troglodytes! Are they pan trogs, Steve? I don't think so. [rolling his eyes prissily]

"Tigris, Steve, tigris! Either, respect the canine form or go back to the monkey cage. Move. Instead of this, [insert suckling noise], like you were doing, you've got to nestle in here like this and then [more suckling]. See the difference? This: [suckling]. Not this: [bad -- pan trog -- suckling]. It's all about respecting the feline form. Now, again for clarification, watch me: [suckling]."

Marlon: Well, someone's done his homework, but, Jim, what about the paws? You've forgotten the gentle stroking of the breasts common to most nursing felines. Unless I'm missing something, your technique ignores that entirely.

Steve: Yeah, what about the paws, Jim? Who's in the pan trog cage now?

Jim: Quiet, you.

Marlon: Your suckling looks good, but is there a position that allows for suckling AND a gentle circling of the paws in a wax-on/wax-off manner?

Hmm.

May I?

[walking over]

Hi Hla.

Hla: Hi, Dr. Perkins.

Marlon: I'm thinking of something like this: [suckling and pawing].

Steve: [taking a drag off a post-nursing cigarette] Crikey.

Jim: [accepting the cigarette from Steve] It's like he crawled into the mind of a tiger cub.

Let's get the cubs in here, and begin their instruction.

Marlon: Cubs?! Cubs?! You, fool! We're not ready for cubs! For all we know, this only works when you're fully clothed. Do you want to dress the tigers before each meal? Well, do you? I sure don't. Think, Jim. Before we're ready for cubs, we're going to have to test this method a few times in the buff, naked as newborns.

Here, help me with my smoking jacket.

But I've been taking medication.