"LET'S EAT PILLS, EAT FOOD, AND EAT EACH OTHER"

I am looking for a woman, 18-35, who wants to spend the day/evening eating pills, drinking champagne, ordering food and eating each other and having wild, dirty sex. Must be attractive, pretty face, at least a b-cup, under 130 pounds. Photo is preferred

Dude, if these are the kinds of pills you imply they are, you can skip the picture. Ask for other things, like references for the "wild, dirty sex" or, perhaps, a bachelor's degree in nursing, because, trust me, for your Lost Elvis Weekend, you won't need pretty, nor petite (B-Cup, phbbt!). You'll need experienced, by which I mean someone who no matter what kind of trip the pills take her on can still perform acts of depravity so exciting they'll have you denting the hotel room walls with the force of your errant man goo and confounding the scholars of urological science with your consequentially raisined prostate for years to come (sorry).

"The nursing degree?" you say. "Why would I ask for that? Wouldn't a degree in the stripping arts be more appropriate?"

Questions like that make me wonder how you got your hands on pills and champagne in the first place, but in the spirit of charity in which this post is given, let me simply say you'll appreciated the earning of a nursing degree when the pills and champagne and erotic asphyxiation turn to bloating and incontinence and loss of consciousness. (And they will, they always do.)

Again, trust me on this.