The Sommeliers Have Taken Over the Asylum

We love high-dollar wine, but we don’t love panhandling for it. And while the savvy know a good bottle can be picked up for under 10 bucks, we are not savvy: We are cheapskates. Here, then, are seven reds, four whites, and a rosé—all cheap, all perfect for Solo-cupping

REDS

Fenestra True Red Lot 17, Red table wine, California $9.99

You’re finally done with work and you swear, all you want, all you’ll ever want, is to take off your pants. But first you’d like to pick up a bottle of red to have with your supper. ...

No, no, you were right about me the first time, sister. All I want to do is take off my pants.

There. Ahhhhhhh.

Now, you were saying?

Gnarly Head Old Vine Zinfandel, Lodi, California $9.99

This wine’s knotted, head-pruned vines date back to the early twentieth-century and produce a thick, dark, somewhat spicy wine with a scabby, dried blood hue. There is less of that fresh, ripe fruit taste common to zinfandels and instead more wood, dirt, and pepper.

For every one of you that’s turned off by a beverage review that boasts dirt and scabs, there’s a sommelier out there who’s writhing in ecstasy. Alllllriiiight.

I believe, like Fran Lebovitz, that "Great people talk about wine, normal people talk about things, and small people talk about wine," so believe me when I say, I can't wait to rebut someone's proclamation that "Although immature -- fading as it does on the middle palate -- this Cabernet's quite good" with "Good?! I'll say! It's practically scabilicious!"