McSweeney's Internet Tendency: The Legend of Me.

According to legend, my hair will stick out wildly, from lying on the couch all day. I will walk with an awkward stagger, my arms held forward. No one knows why I walk this way. Some say it is to be ready in case I trip. Others say it is to make sure I don't go face-first through a spider web.

When I am abroad on the land, many of the frightened townspeople report hearing a ghastly, bloodcurdling howl. This is the part of the legend that hurts my feelings the most, because I think they're talking about my singing.

Some stories claim that if you confront me during my midnight walks and chant, 'Jack Handey, Jack Handey, give me some candy,' I will give you some candy. Man, forget it. I need that candy.

I am said to prey upon young lovers, and that if I look into a bedroom window and see them having sex I will stand there and watch with my red, flaming eyes. But I am not looking for young lovers; I am usually looking for something else, like, I don't know, my lost treasure or something. If I happen to see two people having sex, I will stay and look, for I am curious about your human ways.

They say I can turn into a bat. I can, but not very well. What I am probably best at is wandering into a party and transforming myself into someone who looks like he might have been invited. And woe to him who fingers me as an impostor, for he will be greeted by a hideous hissing sound coming from the tires of his car.

It is whispered that I can suck the blood out of you. Others say I can start to tell a joke, but then get really confused and not remember where the joke goes, and start over again and again until it drives you mad. But it's not my fault. You see, I am the offspring of an unholy union between a man and what people in these parts call a "wo-man."

I use to love "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey," back when they were a mainstay on Saturday Night Live.

My favorite has always been "When children ask, 'Where does rain come from?' I tell them, it's God crying. And when they ask, 'Why is God crying?' I tell them, 'It's probably something you did.'"