Next on Opray!

Do you take Medication for Mental Illness?

Are you a woman addicted to porn?

Are you Friends with Your Husband's Mistress?

Do you have "rough" sex?

Tell us how Rachel Ray can help you! [See above.]

Do you suffer from vaginal odor?

Do you suffer from extremely bad hangovers?

Do you know someone who vomits in their sleep? [Those two are probably related.]

Do you know someone who has "broken" their penis?

Do you know a man who has developed breasts?

Me! Me! Pick me, Oprah! I have man-boobs, mitties, if you will. I'd love to come on your show and tell the world about the suffering I've endured from an American public indifferent to my plight.

And you can to. If you see an affliction on the future shows list that you have and would like to share with the world -- my favorite: "Living a Secret Life?" -- then, do what the producers ask: "click on the show subject below to read more about it. If the topic pertains to you, fill out the form on that page and tell us your story."

But if any of you bastards tries to cut in on my mitty or broken penis fame, I swear, I'll do something to you that'll qualify me for the "Is there a moment you wish you could take back?" show. Don't push me.