It. Is. Alive! Alive, I Tell You!

So I emptied the bags onto my kitchen table, and here, listed chronologically and with commentary, is what I discovered:

1. Imported Non-Pareil Capers, circa 1998/’99, which were left behind by these two French girls who lived in this apartment from 1998 until I took over the place in September of 1999.

2. Grey Poupon Mustard, ca. 1998/’99. (French girls.)

3. Baby Sour Gherkins, ca. 1998/’99, with an expiration date reading: “Enjoy by 4/28/01.” (French girls.)

I went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face—that Red-Eye really had my nerves on edge.4. Roland Silverskin Anchovies, ca. 1998/99. This bottle of anchovies, I have to say, was rather unnerving. To think that those anchovies had once been alive, probably in about 1997, was a bit much, and the liquid they were encased in had the filmy complexion of formaldehyde. (French girls.)

5. Bainbridge Blackberry Jelly, ca. 2002, given to me in Memphis, Tenn., as part of my press packet when I was there covering, as a journalist, the Mike Tyson/Lennox Lewis fight.

6. Bainbridge Crisp Sweet Pickles, ca. 2002. (Press packet.)

7. Westbrae Natural Stoneground Mustard, expiration date 1/25/04, therefore probably purchased in 2002 or 2003.

"8. Zinc throat spray, ca. 2003. I had the flu that year.

9. Echinacea, ca. 2003. (Same flu.)

10. Crazy Richard’s Chunky Peanut Butter, ca. 2003.

11. Muir Glen tomato sauce, expiration date: June 2004.

12. Tofu steak, ca. 2004. This was brought over by an ex-girlfriend and then never eaten and then never thrown away for sentimental reasons.

I've got a tofu steak in my refrigerator that I've been keeping for sentimental reasons, as well.

The sentiment? "Fuck it. If I just move this carton of butter in front of it, I won't have to look at it and be shamed into action by its putrifying state. This way, I can put it out of my mind until I have to throw away the butter."

Welcome to Biff Country. It's funky here.