If Only Someone Had Told Me That Like 30 Years Ago. . .

"You see, Billy? Keep yourself parked in front of the Xbox instead of going outside once in a while for a football game and you’ll eventually end up on the other side of this rope with Baron von Clownypants and his band of half-assed D'artagnans, instead of out here where the pussy is."

And other lessons learned at the Medieval Faire by Bad News Hughes.