"Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money. The Shit Has Hit the Fan"

For two months, Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar had been planning to drive a rented sport utility vehicle through a lunchtime campus crowd, hitting people, police wrote in a search warrant released Tuesday.

In picking a time and spot teeming with people and a vehicle that could 'run over things and keep going,' the 2005 UNC-Chapel Hill graduate wanted to inflict serious harm as revenge for the United States 'killing his people across the sea,' said Detective Matthew Dodson of the UNC-CH Department of Public Safety, according to the warrant. . . .

Right before noon Friday, police say, Taheri-azar executed his plan, driving a rented Jeep Grand Cherokee through walkways near a campus hub, hitting nine people, though none were seriously injured. . . .

In court Monday, Taheri-azar, a native of Iran who grew up mostly in the Charlotte area and is an American citizen, repeatedly mentioned Allah, at one point saying Allah would be his attorney.

Um, I understand the impulse to go with a big name and all, but, in this case, you might consider getting someone to defend you who's actually licensed to practice in the state of North Carolina. This is serious.

"How serious?" you ask. Well, they set your bail at $5 million. If they had caught a serial killer in his basement, wearing a tuxedo constructed of the tanned skins of kidnapped Special Olympians, while he was in the act of sodomizing nuns with a cattle prod, beneath a disco ball of silver-gilded kitten skulls, that guy's bail, they would have set at $200,000. Yep: You're in deep d'oh, my friend.

Call Matlock. Call him now.