The Bible Might, but His Hips, They Don't Lie

The Song of Songs—aka the "Song of Solomon"—is like nothing else so far in the Bible. It's an eight-chapter poem, narrated by two lovers. She's dark, young, and foxy. He's strong, sexy, and seductive. (He may even be Solomon, the purported author of the song.) No doubt some Bible scholars claim that the song is just an allegory, that the lusty images and panting verses are really enthusiastic prayers. No way. This is no religious metaphor. This is sexy time. This is Last Tango in Judah.

The song is a duet, with the lovers alternating passages. She starts, and begins with a bang: "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine." Now that's an opening line!

. . . She's very forward, our dusky beauty. Her lover is an apple tree, "and his fruit was sweet to my taste." . . .

A delightfully steamy passage: She's in bed at night and she can't sleep, so she gets up and wanders the city, seeking him out. (See: Patsy Cline, "Walking After Midnight.") She finds him, brings him back to her mom's house, and … well, you'll have to imagine the rest.

Solomon's wedding procession comes to town. He's riding in a palanquin, and he has seriously pimped his ride for maximum scoring: "He made its posts of silver, its back of gold, its seat of purple; its interior was inlaid with love." Inlaid with love, O my! On the back, Solomon attached a bumper sticker: If this palanquin's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

It's the guy's turn to give the compliments. Either he's not as good a poet as she is, or you talked differently to girls back in the day. "Your hair is like a flock of goats … your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes." Your brow is like "pomegranate split open." "Your neck is like the tower of David." You're so beautiful—your hair looks like goats! Your forehead is a pomegranate—a fruit that resembles, um, acne. And you have a neck that seems to be made of brick. Hmm. These lines wouldn't go over well at my house.

I was struggling to come up with a way to limn the preceding text, to show you, one and all, the erotic power of scripture. That's when it hit me, Mango (slap!). An interpretive dance of the Song of Solomon by Mango (slap!) would do it.

Of course, that wasn't possible. So the above will have to do.

Enjoy.