I Am to Asses What Ron Jeremy Is to Penises

Brad Pitt, 43, has refused to show his bare ass in his upcoming film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and has reportedly demanded a “butt double.” Although he appeared semi-nude in 1991's Thelma and Louise, a 1997 issue of Playgirl and 2004's Troy, Brad Pitt is said to be “concerned” about his nude scenes.

Brad, my friend, you are in luck. I'm currently between ass jobs at the moment, and am available for new bookings. I've done this sort of work before, having doubled for Henry Simmons for his NYPD Blue work. (Don't bother calling him. He'd only deny it.) He, like you, had let himself go, while I, at roughly the same age as you, have maintained what my doctors call a “smokin' ass,” the callipygian ideal. With some CGI for color, doubling for you should be no problem.

If the scene requires the camera to pan around for a shot of the abs, though, the gig will be up, as a lifetime of beer, doughnuts, and McRibs have not been kind. Your director would be wise to remember that.