Come for the GAR-DAR; Stay for the Matinee Ladies

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Tonight is a celebration of the Great White Way. No, we don't mean Elton John's butt cheeks. We're talking about something even older and easier to get into: It's the 61st Annual Tony Awards.

Nicholson, Pitt, Jolie: These are just a few of the names of people who will not be anywhere near this place.

It's a cavalcade of nobodies, and with the competition from the final episode of the Sopranos, tonight, the Tony's ratings are expected to be so low that next year, NBC is expected to pick up up as a series. . . .

[Martha Plimpton approaches] I have no idea who you are. I can't remember from. . . . Were you in The Parent Trap?

Martha Plimpton: Wait a minute. Let me . . . . Does this help? [Turns her back to Triumph and bends over]

Triumph: [After sniffing her bottom] You're Martha Plimpton. You were in Parenthood, The Goonies, 200 Cigarettes; you did 4 episodes of ER in 1999. . . .

Okay, let's put all this speculation to rest. This is the GAY-DAR 4000. . .

Rut Row. This is not going to end well. That poor machine.