Is It Award Season Already?

More than 1 million cases of chlamydia were reported in the United States last year—the most ever reported for a sexually transmitted disease, federal health officials said Tuesday.

“A new U.S. record,” said Dr. John M. Douglas Jr. of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. …

The CDC releases a report each year on chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis, three diseases caused by sexually transmitted bacteria.

Chlamydia is the most common. Nearly 1,031,000 cases were reported last year, up from 976,000 the year before.

The count broke the single-year record for reported cases of a sexually transmitted disease, which was 1,013,436 cases of gonorrhea, set in 1978.

“First, I'd like to thank my lord and savior, with whom all things are possible.

“I'd like to thank my competitors, Gonorrhea and Syphilis. G', when you set the record back in '78, I remember watching you give your CDC Award speech and thinking, ‘That record will stand for all time.’ I think it would have, too, if you and Syph' hadn't pushed me this year, if you hadn't been such competitors. Much love to the both of you. Thanks.”

[WE LOVE YOU, Chlamydia!]

“That reminds me. I'd like to give a shout-out to all the fine ladies in the house. No disrepect to the fellas. I know you did your part, looking at the discharge flowing from your penises and thinking, ‘Two–Three days max, if it doesn't clear up by then, I'll ask someone if I should see a doctor.’ I can't thank you enough for that, but if it hadn't been for the girls going wild out there without any symptoms to slow them down, I'd have never cracked the million milestone. [Kissing his finger tips and waving his hand to the crowd] Umm-wah! That's for y'all.

“Thanks to my brother and sister, Muridarum and Suis, I believe y'all are the future. I really do. Whatever awaits you, it begins with a dream. Dare to dream.

“And don't let the negative weigh you down. I spent the latter part of the year fending off rumors that I've been posting big numbers by Juicin'. I can' believe that those stories got play. It's just so unbelievable. I don't know why anyone would spread such lies.

“Back in the day, when the CDC first started tracking cases, we didn't have all this trash-talking. Back then, it was all about the fucking and the infections. Now, …

“Why you hating', Herpes? Huh? Why you hatin'?

“Sorry.

“Finally, I'd like to thank my parents, Chlamydiaceae and Chlamydiales. They … [The tears begin to fall.] They never got a chance to see me become a thriving culture. As most of you know, they were tragically killed by Azithromycin when I was just a young bacteria, backwhen I was just beginning to get my germ on. I know wherever they are, they are proud of me, as they always were. If this honor can do anything, I hope it can focus our attention and research on finding a cure and putting an end to Azithromycin deaths in our lifetime. Mom and dad, this is for you.

“Thank you, CDC!”