Clearly, This Is Not Safe for Work

Question: I need 100 ways to say “I love you” to my girlfriend. We made a bet last night that I couldn’t come up with 100 and I can’t lose! Help me pa-pa-pa-pa-please non-expert. —Rod

Answer: Here’s the way to say “I love you”: rarely. To say it a hundred ways is to cheapen a pure sentiment; to place a bet with your girlfriend on your ability to do just that is to participate in a culture that has commoditized affection and thrown it into the remainder bin; and to ask someone else to come up with your hundred ways represents love at its nadir—pure romantic sloth. Why not deep-fry a bag of candy hearts and toss them on the rug for her to eat? That’s the (1) first suggestion.

Then there are the twee ways to say it: (2) with freshly cut flowers, assuming she is not a flower; (3) with a bust made of fudge; (4) with wee spaniels; (5) through blinking tears; (6) whispered to her hearing aid; (7) inscribed into her lawn with gasoline; (8) tattooed on your taint ….


Um, one of us—and I think it's you—is a little confused as to the meaning of the word “twee.”

That said, at my bachelor party—in addition to the tequila, the dancers, the hot, curvy Italian actresses dipped in chocolate, and the live sex show including, but not limited to little people, exotic animals, and industrial-strength love toys that require permits for use in most municipalities—I am going to have a discreet tattoo artist present, so I can have my betrothed's name put on my taint (and our safe word injected onto my anus).

I can't imagine ever regretting that.