“Why, You're Not the Usual Blog Writer…” Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

Every guy at some point has wished they were a pornstar. So, if that dream ever comes true, we've decided to help you out by showing you how to maneuver your way through 90% of the porno movies made.


I've never wanted to be a porn star, but between the ages of 5 and 13, I had a porn-stache so desirable it would make a male star blow his load faster than you can say, “Ah, Yeaaaaaaaaah,” so, if you saw older pictures of me, I can understand where'd you get that idea.

But had I wanted to be a porn star, I would not have wanted to be a porn star in a pizza delivery movie—too déclassé. I'm more of a “cabaña boy whose pants have to come off because you carelessly spilled your piña colada on them” or “a fireman you called because your husband wasn't bringing enough hose to put out your fire,” something classy, like one of the films in the Mid-Hummer's Night Wet Dream oeuvre.

Ah, yeah.