Oh, First Ex-Wife, Where For Art Thou

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How to Satisfy a Woman

Andy: Listen up. I'm only going to explain this once: How to Satisfy a Woman

First off, a disclaimer: There's more than one way to feed the cat, but each requires patience, care, and occasionally must be starved until it begs for its dinner.

Now, a lot of attention is normally paid to the female “O.” There's good reason for that.

If you want to satisfy a woman physically, emotionally, and spiritually, be prepared to spend some quality time down in The Dent. The In-and-Out Burger must be seasoned with your attention.

But don't forget to season the rest of her with your charm and the occasional gift, the text message haiku. Not too much, though. If you give her all of you, she'll want none of you.

So learn to build anticipation. Keep the Moose Knuckle tapping the bed sheets. Build it and they will…they will thank you.

If you want access to the Oval Office, use every vote you can. Tell her she's special. Share in a mutual hobby. Engage the labia—gentle, though—you're not cleaning it.

Once you've satisfied a woman emotionally, you'll want to satisfy her spiritually. Lucky for you, her spirit animal resides in her who-ha.

Get to know the man on the boat, the honey bee, the Clitoris Leachman, and then, tease it like a midget.…


Good call, my friend. Tease it like a midget, but not exactly like a midget. For instance, I don't recommend grabbing the clitoral hood and taunting the clitoris with “Got your hat! Got your hat! Can't get it back!”

It takes a special kind of woman to orgasm from that kind of a build up. She's out there. I'm sure of it, but, clearly, she's a rare breed.

And she will be mine. Oh, yes.