Rest in Peace, Billy Mays. You Will Be Missed (especially after this)

America,

Do you like the taste of sopping wet nethers? Of course, you do, but who has the time?

You've tried juicing. You've tried milking. You've tried sucking and licking, but no matter what you try, you still can't get enough juice to slake your thirst.

And what do you do with all that leftover woman? Cuddle? No, thank you.

How many times have you felt the seismic tremors, dropped your love derrick into the seam—expecting a gusher, finding only a seep—and come away thirsty? How many times, sitting there afterwards, engaged in small talk with the detritus, your face glistening like a glazed doughnut, have you thought, “There must be a better way?”

Well, now, there is. Introducing TWAT:

Twenty-two yummy ounces of all the stuff you love and none of the one hundred-plus pounds of the stuff you don't. TWAT gives you all of the flavor and none of the mess.

There are no awkward conversations, no half-ass excuses about early morning meetings, no money left on the dresser. Just pop the easy-opening top, drink your fill, and toss the can into the recycling bin. It's that easy.

“There must be a catch, ” you say. “Drinking 22 oz of love honey in one night, usually, requires an embarrassing morning after.” Pish posh! The only walk of shame in your future is the walk of shame you'll have carrying three cases of TWAT from the 7-11 to your apartment in your parents' basement.

And for those of you with a taste for the man goo, don't think we've left you out. Order now, and for absolutely no additional costs, we will throw in a banana. You're welcome.