No, as a Matter of Fact, It Doesn't Depend on What the Definition of “Up to” Is

Savage Love

My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: it seems that when she was a young woman in college, a fellow student invited her over for lunch. It turns out that he thought she was lunch. He quickly had her clothes off and was kissing her, although he was still dressed. Then he brought out a vibrator. He applied the vibrator, she had an orgasm, and then she called a halt to the proceedings. They went back to school, and that was the beginning and the end of their relationship.

Did she have sex?

…My wife’s view is that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really didn’t have sex. We would like your opinion on this. — Definition Essential For Intensely Novel Experience

Let’s say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let’s say I took you home, stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you, and then — with my right arm buried up to my elbow in your ass — slowly stroked you with my left hand until you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest, and face.

Now let’s say I taped the whole thing and e-mailed a copy to your wife. I think it’s highly unlikely that your wife would turn to you after watching the video — remember: I don’t get naked, you never see my dick — put a hand on your knee, and say, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with Dan Savage.”

I have to agree: If you're up to your elbow in ass, you're having sex, and if the elbow or the ass isn't your betrothed's, you're cheating.

Seriously, people, this isn't even a close call.