People Do the Darnedest Things.
“Hello! I'm so glad to catch you at home.
“Before we begin, I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I can appreciate how busy you are and how important the time in the evenings with your family is to you, so I won't keep you long.
“I'm Special Agent Bohica, with the United States Treasury Department's Secret Service division. How are you this evening? Good. Good.
“As I said, I know how valuable your time is so I won't waste it any further with pleasant small talk. I'll just get right to the point. It's about your Facebook poll, the one about the president.
“While no one respects your First Amendment right to criticize the government and its elected officials like we do, no one understands the restrictions on that right — especially as they apply to threats to the president — better than we do. I guess, you could call us the experts.
“Even experts need a hand every now and then, though. Sometimes, it's hard to know where someone's right ends and his prison sentence begins. That's why I called. Before I determine what action is called for in this case, I need to know what your intent was.
“Now, I'm sure you were just expressing some good, old American rage in a grossly inappropriate way, as we are all prone to do.
“In fact, when this incident is all cleared up, I'll tell you about the overreaction that got me this desk assignment. Perfect misunderstanding gone awry. Guy called the White House, and, long story short, my partner said I'd never get the whole cattle prod up there, but by golly… But that's for later.
“Anyway, back to the matter at hand. We're under a lot of pressure here to get things right because all it takes is one mistake, one misunderstanding, and someone dies. I don't want that. Believe me, you don't want that. To avoid any accidents, then, I need you to clarify your intentions. I know. It's seems so obvious, I'm almost too embarrassed to ask, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't. So, tell me: you weren't threatening the president of the United States from your Facebook page, were you?
“This is important, so think it over. Take all the time that you need. Don't feel rushed in the least bit. We've still got guys outside getting into place, setting up lines of sight, what have you. We can wait as long as is necessary; so, take a deep breath, relax, and give me the answer you want your survivors to read in the report.
“What's that? What poll am I talking about? Why, the one on your Facebook page about killing…
“Ah. So, we do understand each other.
“Thanks again for your time. I apologize again for taking you away from your family. You enjoy the rest of your evening.”
“Before we begin, I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I can appreciate how busy you are and how important the time in the evenings with your family is to you, so I won't keep you long.
“I'm Special Agent Bohica, with the United States Treasury Department's Secret Service division. How are you this evening? Good. Good.
“As I said, I know how valuable your time is so I won't waste it any further with pleasant small talk. I'll just get right to the point. It's about your Facebook poll, the one about the president.
“While no one respects your First Amendment right to criticize the government and its elected officials like we do, no one understands the restrictions on that right — especially as they apply to threats to the president — better than we do. I guess, you could call us the experts.
“Even experts need a hand every now and then, though. Sometimes, it's hard to know where someone's right ends and his prison sentence begins. That's why I called. Before I determine what action is called for in this case, I need to know what your intent was.
“Now, I'm sure you were just expressing some good, old American rage in a grossly inappropriate way, as we are all prone to do.
“In fact, when this incident is all cleared up, I'll tell you about the overreaction that got me this desk assignment. Perfect misunderstanding gone awry. Guy called the White House, and, long story short, my partner said I'd never get the whole cattle prod up there, but by golly… But that's for later.
“Anyway, back to the matter at hand. We're under a lot of pressure here to get things right because all it takes is one mistake, one misunderstanding, and someone dies. I don't want that. Believe me, you don't want that. To avoid any accidents, then, I need you to clarify your intentions. I know. It's seems so obvious, I'm almost too embarrassed to ask, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't. So, tell me: you weren't threatening the president of the United States from your Facebook page, were you?
“This is important, so think it over. Take all the time that you need. Don't feel rushed in the least bit. We've still got guys outside getting into place, setting up lines of sight, what have you. We can wait as long as is necessary; so, take a deep breath, relax, and give me the answer you want your survivors to read in the report.
“What's that? What poll am I talking about? Why, the one on your Facebook page about killing…
“Ah. So, we do understand each other.
“Thanks again for your time. I apologize again for taking you away from your family. You enjoy the rest of your evening.”
posted by Biff Loman at 7:12 PM
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