Friday, December 16, 2011

“I French Kiss.” “Phbbt! Everyone Does that.”“But Momma Says I'm the Best”

The gag at Thursday's pep assembly at Rosemount High School was supposed to be a joke. But when it went viral on YouTube some people didn't find it the least bit funny. 
“As principal I am responsible for everything that happens in the school so, ultimately, I am the person that needs to answer for this," school principal John Wollersheim said Wednesday. 
Staff at the school planned a prank for the assembly during which each of the winter sports team captains were blindfolded and kissed. 
The idea was that the students believe the kisser was another student and then guess who it was but the joke was the mystery kisser was that student's mom or dad. It was a gag that ultimately went awry.” 
“I know there are people who are upset about what they have seen and as principal I am responsible for what happens here. For all the people who are offended, they are genuinely offended, and I owe them an apology,” Wollersheim said. 
“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped and if it is leaving people not feeling good or embarrassed or hurt that is absolutely the opposite of what we are trying to do. 
“Needless to say, we're postponing the Parent-Student Key Party until further notice. “We're going to get at least one event right this year, gosh darn it.”
“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped...” Unless “pepped” is midwestern slang for “homicidal with humiliation and shame,” I have no idea what you're talking about.

Seriously, you just tricked a bunch of kids into playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with their parents. Given the circumstances, “pepped” has got to have a secret meaning for you that those of us outside of Minnesota know nothing about.

If it helps you to explain, I'll give you an idea of where my head is on this.

Have you seen The Ring?

That's what “pepped” would come to mean if this had been done to me. It would mean  I killed everyone in the gym that day who watched me make out with my mother, and that I then tracked down everyone who watched this video online and savagely murdered them.

Let's recap:

1. Kill everyone in gym.

2. Call everyone who watched the video on YouTube and ask,“Did you just watch me make out with my mom?”

3. After confirmation say, “Seven days, motherfucker!”

4. Deal deaths to all online viewers in ways so gruesome they would make the producers of the SAW films turn their heads in disgust.

Does that sound like the kind of pep you were going for?

Frankly, all things considered, this ended well for you.


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