In 2012, You Can Still Get Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price at Loman & Associates, Ltd.

A 36-year-old woman was accused of causing $10,000 worth of damage to a painting by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still, a work valued at more than $30 million, authorities said on Wednesday.

A police report said Carmen Tisch punched and scratched the painting, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", at the recently opened Clyfford Still museum in Denver and pulled her pants down to slide her buttocks against it.

Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office....

Tisch will be formally advised of the charges on Friday, Kimbrough said.

“Bifferson Loman, Esq. for the defense, Your Honor.”

“And how does your client intend to plea, Mr. Loman?”

“The same as all of my clients, Your Honor—Innocent.”

“Naturally.

“I'm sure the district attorney is as curious as I am as to how you plan to argue Innocence. Any chance we could have a preview of your strategy?”

“Certainly. Your Honor, my client's only crime is that like so many artists before her, she is misunderstood in her lifetime.…”

“Oh, jesus…

“In the early 20th century, Duchamp signed an urinal and asked, ‘Is it art?’

Exhibit A

“When my client was so rudely interrupted, she was in the midst of turning Duchamps' proposition on its head—looking at art and asking, ‘Is this the urinal?’ ”

“Your client is an artist? Who works in urine?”

“You have heard of the Piss Christ, haven't you, Your Honor?”

“Okay, but she seen rubbing her derrière against the painting…”

It was after she'd urinated, Your Honor. She was simply patting the dew off the daisy, as it were.”

“So the punching and scratching, …?”

“Part of the act: She was miming the frantic motions that go into setting off motion detectors for the soap dispenser, water, and paper towel machine, her point being, you can be an artist, and a lady.”

“So, your client is innocent of criminal mischief, guilty of conceptual art? I'm not buying it, Mr. Loman.”

“Of course, not, Your Honor. I wouldn't expect you to. But you give me one incontinent jurist, and my client is going to walk out of here an innocent woman.”

“I look forward to your day in court, Mr. Loman.”