Don't Judge Me

Stephen Colbert: This afternoon, your marriage started feeling a little weak, didn't it? You got a sudden urge to abandon your family and go antiquing up at the Cape. And it's all because, today, Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the Rainbow button and launch Gay-mageddon.…


I cannot believe a sitting president endorsed gay marriage in the Oval Office, sullying a room once reserved for straight hummers from interns.…


And, folks, I will tell you the reason the president is doing this right now, and it's called political cover. This August, he'll be taking the Democratic National Convention to North Carolina, which last night, bravely defended traditional penis-in-vagina marriage. Ha! Suck it, gays! by which I mean, “Do not.”


…So, congratulations, North Carolina. Today, you struck a decisive blow for loneliness. And tonight, as you go to sleep beside your heterosexual life mate, you can rest assured that all across your great state, a gay man or a lesbian woman is crying himself to sleep in solitude and making your relationship stronger with every tear.

Until now, I thought “Making our relationship stronger one tear at a time” was something I said after a fight to get a little more mileage out of a bad relationship.