Excuse Me, While I Talk to the Kids

Posted on Wednesday, December 7, 2005. From the teaching materials for federally funded high-school abstinence programs, collected for a report commissioned by Representative Henry Waxman (D., Calif.) and published in December 2004. The report criticized the presence of “false, misleading, or distorted information” in eleven of the thirteen most commonly used programs. The Bush Administration is providing $167 million for abstinence-only programs this year.

It is hard for many of us to understand terrorism and why someone would have such hatred in their heart that they would deliberately kill innocent people. Today I would like to introduce you to another form of terrorism that gets little, if any, attention—the terrorism that our youth face each and every day.

At one time the definition of an adult was someone who had left childhood behind and taken on the responsibilities of life. In contrast, today “adult” means being able to view and participate in any and all types of perverse activities that depraved minds can imagine. We actively seek to eliminate terrorism from our land; please help us actively seek to eliminate this corruptive terrorism that is stealing our children’s future.

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While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.

5 Major Needs of Women:
Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:
Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support [and the occasional post-coital fried bologna sandwich doesn't hurt. - biff]

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Sexual relationships often lower the self-respect of both partners—one feeling used, the other feeling like the user. Emotional pain can cause a downward spiral, leading to intense feelings of worthlessness.

Investment in another results in pain when break-up occurs; he/she feels deeper pain because he/she already sees events in an emotional way. This depression may lead to attempted, or successful, suicide.

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In other words, kids, you are emotionally ill-equipped to make love, which is why you should avoid it and its messy entanglements, and stick strictly to the physical acts of sex and the emotionless debauchery of one-night stands.

Yes, as the abstinence gurus say, occupying your waking thoughts and submitting your body movements to every sex acts that comes down the pike (among other things) will leave you feeling used, abused, worthless, and, occasionally, when things get a little weird (if you're lucky) ashamed. That much is true, but it's only half the story.

What they don't tell you in your Abstinence classes is how good being used and using others in turn -- and their by-products: worthlessness and shame -- feel. And kids, listen to me, THEY FEEL REALLY, REALLY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

So take it from your Olde Uncle Biff. Kiss, caress, stroke, fondle, and teabag,* penetrate and be penetrated until your penises turn blue and your orifices run dry. It's all good as long as you don't let yourselves get emotionally attached.

You don't want that -- unless you need a reason to to kill yourself. Again, that part is true.

*For you, Giancarlo. (Who says, we, at The Truth*, aren't responsive to our readers -- okay -- reader.)