"Alcohol, the Cause and Solution to All of Our Problems" -- Homer J. Simpson

NICKY Taylor, 39, is stumbling around a nightclub dance floor in the early hours of the morning, clutching a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

In five hours, she has drunk equal to four bottles of wine in a potentially fatal mix of cocktails, spirits and beers.

She is drunk. She has vomited once, but Nicky carries on, determined to keep up with her female companions.

This ugly scene is not a typical night for Nicky. In an experiment for a British TV documentary, the single mother spent a month matching the bingers drink-for-drink to see what it did to her body and mind.

Over 30 days, going out five nights a week, Nicky consumed a staggering 516 units of alcohol -- 17.2 units a day. ...

One unit is 8g of alcohol, or a small glass (125ml) of wine, half a pint (284ml) of beer or a pub measure of spirits. ...

"What I discovered shocked me to the core," says Nicky, who was monitored by medical experts during the experiment.

She was chosen because her bosses wanted a responsible woman in her 30s. She went into it with gusto, but emerged depressed and exhausted. Her home and professional lives were suffering and she developed an increased risk of liver problems and alcoholism.

Her body fat increased from 37.4 per cent to 38.9 per cent, she put on more than 3kg, and her skin became so damaged she had the complexion of a 50-year-old.

If you need a mental picture.... Do you remember the Menagerie episode of Star Trek, with the wheel-chaired Cpt. Pike? (Don't lie. You do, too, ya' nerd.) The crash victim? the one the aliens reconstructed without any idea what a human -- never mind a hottie -- looked like? Yeah, that one. That's what her after-picture looks like. (For the non-nerds among you, there's a picture in the lower right-hand corner.)

In that Star Trek episode, the aliens used mind control to make the men see the crash victim as gorgeous, to find her a mate. Sadly -- and I say this to my shame -- a couple of pints would've had the same effect on me.

So Nicky, if you don't want to wait until your weight drops and your skin regains its elasticity to feel attractive, give me a call. We'll can go out for drinks.