McSweeney's The Elements of Spam.

A Few Matters of Form

Colloquialisms.

If you absolutely must use slang or colloquialisms in your spam, simply use them. Don't wink at the reader.

Our so-called 'carpet munchers' will ride your 'cum rocket' then gobble down what's sometimes referred to as 'baby batter.'

Although you've successfully called attention to your mastery of pornographic euphemism, you've written a punchless sentence. Rewrite without the quotes, the clutter, and the pretension.

Their suggestions on using the active voice are even better.