Two-Time Graduation Loser Stephen Colbert Speaks to the Kids

But the best reason for me to come to speak at Knox College is that I attended Knox College. This is part of my personal history that you will rarely see reported. Partly because the press doesn't do the proper research. But mostly because it is not true! I just made it up, so this moment would be more poignant for all of us. How great would it be if I could actually come back here -- if I was coming back to my alma mater to be honored like this. I could share with you all my happy memories that I spent here in Galesburg, Illinois. Hanging out at the Seymour Hall, right? Seymour Hall? You know, all of us alumni, we remember being at Seymour Hall, playing those drinking games. We played a drinking game called Lincoln-Douglas. Great game. What you do is, you act out the Lincoln-Douglas debate and any time one of the guys mentions the Dred Scott decision, you have to chug a beer. Well, technically three-fifths of a beer. [groans from audience]

Groans?! Really?! They groaned?!

For those of you Knox College graduates who did, here's a little commencement advise from Olde Biffe: Take some of your graduation money, rent a derrick, and see if you can pull that rod from your ass, because, seriously, you need to lighten up. You're much too young to be so rigid in your thinking that you groan at jokes lampooning race, class, and gender. I don't care what your professor told you.

Groaning at slights from a high-hatted position of moral or intellectual superiority, that's for old fucks with blogs. Did they teach you nothing in the last four years?!