Yep, It's True. And Fisting Cures Cancer.

A 60-year-old man with acute pancreatitis developed persistent hiccups after insertion of a nasogastric tube. Removal of the latter did not terminate the hiccups which had also been treated with different drugs, and several manoeuvres were attempted, but with no success. Digital rectal massage was then performed resulting in abrupt cessation of the hiccups. Recurrence of the hiccups occurred several hours later, and again, they were terminated immediately with digital rectal massage. No other recurrences were observed.

As a friend of mine once said, as he was explaining to me why he spanked his children, “Even the simplest organism understands pain.” So it stands to reason that if a pig-knuckled B.F. Skinner shoved his barely lubed, rheumatic pointer into your anal star every time you hiccuped, you'd learn eventually to associate ass pain with that gastric spasm, and stop.

What doesn't stand to reason is the above scenario. For those of you getting here in the middle, a man suffering from pancreatitis develops hiccups after health care officials insert a nasogastric tube into his nostrils. Despite their best efforts, they are unable to cure the hiccups. Got it? Okay. What I don't understand is how you get from stubborn hiccups to digital rectal massage.

Fictionalized Account:

Doctor: Boo! Okay. Boo! Boo, Mr. Johnson! Boo!

Mr. Johnson: – Hic –

Doctor: Damn. Well, I'm out of ideas. Anybody got anything?

Nurse: Boo!

Doctor: We tried that.

Mr. Johnson: – Hic –

Doctor: Anything else? Anything at all?

Intern: Has anyone tried putting a finger in his ass?

Nurse: ?

Doctor: ?

Mr. Johnson: !

Doctor: Why a finger in the ass?

Intern: I think the question should be “Why not a finger in the ass?”

Doctor: You know, I like where your head is, my friend. Nurse, spit on this.

I don't know. It just doesn't follow to me.

But now that I have a toothsome, female primary physician, I'm really looking forward to being treated for this cough.