My Client Thinks You Know Exactly What He's Talking About

Penny: Would you mind if my lawyer reviewed this?

Judah: O-Of course. Sh-sure.

Penny: Okay. Great.

Penny's lawyer: Thank you, Penny. Okay. "I, the undersigned give Judah. . ."

Judah: Yeah, that's me.

Penny's lawyer: Riiight. ". . .give Judah on this date, the tenth of January, full consent to the following sexual activities: kissing, smooching, pecking, whispering dirty thoughts, . . ." [to Penny] Ear nibbling? [She nods] Okay. "Ear nibbling, Frenching, caressing, light petting . . ." [to Judah's lawyer] Okay, my client is not interested in a hand job.

Judah's lawyer: Neither is mine.

Penny's lawyer: Great. Oral sex?

Judah's lawyer: That my client is interested in.

Penny's lawyer: Five minutes.

Judah's lawyer: We want at least ten.

Penny's lawyer: My client will do ten minutes as long as your client reciprocates.

Judah's lawyer: My client doesn't follow.

Penny's lawyer: My client thinks your client knows -exactly what we're talking about. . . .

Judah's lawyer: On principle, he just doesn't do it.

Penny's lawyer: My client says, "You cant run from second base to home plate without crossing third.

Judah's lawyer: [after conferring with her client] Okay. Ten minutes of Article Seventeen.

Penny's lawyer: And we're on to intercourse. My client agrees to positions one through seven as well as thirteen. . . .

Judah's lawyer: Fair enough. I think we've covered just about everything unless, of course, I can, um, bring up Article Twenty.

Penny's lawyer: Not in your wildest dreams.

Boy, I could've used a couple of those in the past.

Actually, that's not true. They would've been wasted on me. I'm too coy to commit to anything on paper. Seriously, ask me if I do certain things, and I'll tell you, "No, absolutely not." But ask me again in the dark, after I'm kiss-drunk, and the next thing you know, it's morning, there's Astroglide everywhere, and the vegetable drawer is empty. I don't know why that is, exactly, but I blame religion.