"Excuse me. I Speak Jive."

Jon Stewart:Now our coverage of the run up to the preparation for the early stages to the race to the White House continues tonight in our acclaimed segment "CLUSTERFUCK to the WHITEHOUSE."

Last weekend, four of the 2008 front runners hit the Sunday news circuit to show they were the kind of men who would leave their mothers alone on Mother's Day to go do some stupid interview with some report who most certainly did not carry them for nine, painful months.

Sorry. My throat's a little dry. Let me just see if I can quench my thirst with a CUP OF THEIR MOTHERS' TEARS! (Mmm, apparently, their mothers cry vodka.)

... On to ABC, where Barrack Obama, in the midst of the full Stephanopoulos, tried valiantly to stay on message. . .Guess which issue Obama was forced to talk about?:

George Stephanopoulos: You have a very cool style when you're out doing those town meetings, when you're out on the campaign trail, and I wonder, how much of that is tied to your race?

Barrack Obama: I can't lie to you, George. Being white has helped me a lot. I use complete sentences, consisting of words and phrases familiar to most people, inoffensive, well-structured sentences that don't end with me asking "You know what I'm saying?" or with me throwing my gang signs. If I win this election, it'll be because my capacity for speech completely whitewashed over the fact that I'm a barely literate, urban monkey, like the rest of my father's people. I appreciate your letting me clear that up.

Of course, I'm translating for those of you who don't speak the language.