I Got an A, though, in Pimp Slapping. So if You Ever Owe Me, You'd Better Have My Money when I See You

Hello! Are you a female, high school dropout between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five? Are you tired of doors being slammed in your face when you apply for a job? Are you tired of lying around in bed all day with nothing to do? Well, you never need get up again because in six short weeks I can train you to be a high-paying 'ho'.

That's right. It's a known fact that a good 'ho' can make up to fifteen hundred dollars a week.

Just think: fifteen hundred dollars a week without even leaving the comforts of your own bedroom. Sounds too good to be true?

Just send for my new book entitled I Wanna be a Ho and if in six short weeks, you're not confident that you can make big money as a 'ho' working for me, just send the book back for a full refund. It's as simple as that.

“Be Somebody, be a 'Ho'!”

I graduated the Velvet Jones School of Technology's I Wanna Be a Pimp program with a master's degree in female exploitation, spankings, and dishwasher repair, but I never had much of a career afterward.

My heart was never in it. I practically failed my How to Stomp a 'Ho' so the Bitch Knows You Mean Bid-ness seminar, and my advisor's comments at the end of my internship were discouraging. (Apparently, there's no room in pimp society for Bottoms.) A few weeks into my first job, I let a better pimp take my bitches and my territory, and I moved on, off to graduate school in political philosophy with my wages of sin.

Sometimes, yeah, I do miss the money. And the Escalade. And the trannies. (Trannies is good people.) But I think I did the right thing.