Think Globally, Submit Locally

The Dominatrix Decathlon
– MIKE DAMASCUS –

After months of speculation, and ongoing international protest, the Chinese Olympic Commissioner made official confirmation last week that the Dominatrix Decathlon will not be part of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. “It’s a sad day in the S&M community,” snapped Mistress Chandra of the Iron Shackles. “If I can lure them into a windowless room, I’ll ball-gag, hogtie, and paddle the entire Olympic Committee senseless.” As the controversy spins out of control and as the denizens of pain and submission stalk world capitals in search of submissive scapegoats, let’s pause and pay homage to the games known as Dominatrix Decathlon, spotlighting each of the ten events and calling out highlights from past competitions.

100-Liter Golden Shower
Since the 1984 Los Angeles games, where the field was widened to allow each dominatrix up to twelve submissives, points have generally been awarded to the Mistress who most quickly and thoroughly douses her unworthy slaves with urine pumped fresh from the spectator’s restrooms. But artistic merit points for improvisational touches, such as Mistress Cordoba’s use of coordinated gargling in the ’92 Barcelona games, are not unheard of.

The Long Hump
A painstakingly technical event, the Long Hump features the dominatrix whipping, paddling, or otherwise cajoling her sniveling submissive into humping a blowup doll the greatest distance along a traditional long-jump sandpit. Bottoms will be bruised and knees scraped, but seeing that perfect combination of pelvic thrust and inflatable bounce is a voyeuristic thrill not to be missed.

The Dildo Put
Not for the squeamish, the Dildo Put is a simple matter of a regulation “Screaming Mombo” one-meter dildo and a prone and lubed submissive. After the infamous “double-clutch” controversy during the ’88 Seoul games, in which half a dozen submissives were hospitalized with a variety of punctured organs, measures have been taken to prevent further injury. But as Mistress Natasha admitted in a candid interview with Strict Punishment, “Those measures were largely bullshit cooked up to pacify those that needed pacification.”

1500-Meter Equine Race
“Nothing gets me hot like a bridle and riding crop,” admits Mistress Cassandra. “And nothing indicates extreme devotion of a submissive more than to be saddled, mounted, horsewhipped, and worked with spurs for 1500 meters.” A favorite with the networks, comparable only to the Super Bowl in terms of international audience, this event is a rousing conclusion to the Dominatrix Decathlon. Notable for its long history of surprise treachery the 1500-Meter Equine Race is a guaranteed theatre of blood. “I got spurs, studded wristbands, and a whip,” explains Madam Tequila, “someone pulls ahead of me, what do you think’s gonna happen?”


I tried to be an Olympian submissive but the jealousy of others, rampant steroid use, and, you know, politics conspired to end my dream. That's cool. I'm over it.

But if Seattle's own, Mistress Matisse doesn't take the gold, there's going to be trouble.