They're Going to Get McCain (or Clinton) Elected One Way or Another

It was July 7 when Barack Obama, his staff, and reporters boarded a Midwest Airlines flight for a quick trip from Chicago to Charlotte, North Carolina for a speech. Shortly after takeoff, the pilot of the MD-80 plane began having trouble leveling the aircraft.

First Officer: During the climb out of Chicago and during the en route phase we detected a little bit of a controlability issue in terms of our ability to control the aircraft. …

At the time, the FAA and Midwest Airlines said there was no emergency, but the audio tapes released by the FAA Thursday tell a different story.

Pilot: At this time, we'd like to declare this an emergency, and also have CFR (Crash, Fire, Rescue) standing by in St. Louis.

Tower: I will show that and would you… Do you have a preference on runways? Would you like Runway 3-0 Right or Runway 3-0 Left?

Pilot: Well, which one is the longest? …

Through it all, the candidate remained calm

Obama: Dude, I totally shit myself.

As a military brat, I grew up around gobbledegook and double speak, so I just chuckled when I heard the pilot say, “we detected a little bit of a controlability issue in terms of our ability to control the aircraft.” I love it when military guys come up with new words and phrases to hide fuck ups and errors—“controlability issue,” indeed.

My love aside, in emergencies, gentlemen, stick with the classics, as in “Houston, we have a problem.” “Houston, we have a problem” cuts through the crap. “Houston, we have a problem” tells everyone you need CFR. “Houston, we have a problem” gets you immediately to “Would you like Runway 3-0 Right or Runway 3-0 Left?” which is, after all, where you need to be when you're discussing a controlability issue with the tower.

By the way, nothing says to the FAA and investigators that this is an emergency like “Well, which one is the longest?” “Well, which one is the longest?” is code for “Which one is less explode-y?” It's another another way of saying “Tell my wife I loved her. That stripper in Reno meant nothing. Kiss my kids good-bye for me.”