What to Buy for the Man Who Has Everything or, Possibly, Just Me

Talk about equality. If women can buy a pearl G-string, then why can’t men? The creators of the original pearl G-string have now come out with the masculine version. The reason? They want women to buy it “to share an unforgettable experience with their partner in a new way.”

The $60 thong has the pearl strand leading from the back to the front lace pouch. It’s available in black, white and periwinkle - yes, periwinkle blue. Any takers?


If it comes in “periwinkle blue,” the answer is a resounding hell-to-the-yeah!

By the way, thong-model dude, I understand you're probably European and beholden to a totally different ass aesthetic than we Americans, but, seriously, if you're going to sell the idea of men in thongs—I mean, really sell it—you're going to have to do something about that sad clown of a ass you've got dragging back there. Blast some squats, donkey kick some ankle weights, run some stairs, get implants. Whatever it takes, do it, but put the maximus back in that glueteus®.** No man your age—you're under ninety, right?—should be flapping cheeks that flaccid and deflated. You should have bubbles popping out back there, not bags of ashes. Honestly—and I write this from a place of love (no hater, I)—your cheeks aren't capable of selling thongs right now. Enemas, yes; Depends, maybe; thongs, no. Get thee to a gym.

**Another health-related message from the Truth* Network and the Loman Glute Centers of America: “Ass Candy in Just Minutes a Day”