Death Penalty Opponents Called “Lame-Ass Pussies” in Landmark Ruling

MICHAEL BANNON: In Washington today, the U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision. Despite the number of death row inmates who've been exonerated due to DNA evidence, the court reaffirmed the legality of the death penalty on the grounds that it is quote “totally badassed.” For more on the case, we go live now to Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael. Hi, Jane.

JANE CARMICHAEL: Good to see you, Michael.

MICHAEL BANNON: How did the Supreme Court come to their decision on this ruling?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Well, Michael, it began this morning when the lawyers for the petition presented for the Court a video tape Lethal Injection that showed an inmate writhing in pain before dying. As the tape played, Justice Kennedy said quote “Whoa!” Justice Alito remarked quote “Holy shit!” and Justice Ginsburg said quote “That's wicked.”

MICHAEL BANNON: And what was the defense counsel's response to that?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Well, following the video, Chief Justice John Roberts said, “While evidence presented to the Court indicates a degree of fallibility in the procedural methods of capital punishment, it is the opinion of this Court that the practice remains hella fuckin' balls-to-the-wall awesome.” At the point, the decision seemed fairly certain.

MICHAEL BANNON: Was there any dissent to the opinion by the chief justice?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Actually, very little: Justice Clarence Thomas supported the argument immediately, citing the precedence set by the movie The 300, in which the offending parties were quote “kicked into a huge fucking pit.” Justice Samuel Alito then stated “Yeah, or like Judge Dredd.” Justice Antonin Scalia then stated quite loudly quote “I am the law.”

It's funny because it's true.