“Whew, They Weren't Lying When They Told Me about Seattle. There Ain't Nothing Up Here but Rain and White People”

Chris Rock was in Seattle last night testing out some new material. Man, can that guy talk—two solid hours of Com-mow-dee. It was like sitting beside your really funny, drunk uncle at a picnic. Good times, good times.

Here's some of the stuff that comes to mind:

On McCain,

“McCain spent 5 years as a prisoner of war in Viet-Nam, and we're suppose to consider that a good reason to vote for him for president. I don't know. I respect his service and all, but to be honest with you, I don't want to vote for the guy who got shot down and captured for president. I want to vote for the guy who got shot down and escaped. Can we get him on the ballot?”

On Obama,

“Damn. Barack Obama! That's got to be the blackest name since Dikembe Mutombo. I'm forty years old, and I've been black for all of them. I've never met anyone named Barack or Obama.

“I don't believe they'll ever let him be president, but if they do, they won't let him do it without making him go through some shit. I mean, they already made him give up his pastor, the man who performed his wedding ceremony and christened his children. And for what? Because he said he hated white people? What 75-year-old black man doesn't? Find me one.

“You know, Michelle is next. Because they ain't going to let no sister be First Lady. Sisters are too strong. They can't accept a passive role in anything. Once Obama's elected, Michelle is going to take over: ‘I'm making Kiki secretary of the defense. You know she can fight, Barack. You saw her at our wedding.’ They're going to make the brother find him a white girl.”

On Education,

You know what the worst part of dropping out of school in the 10th grade was? The waste of time. Think about it: me and the guy who dropped out of school in the 2nd grade are qualified for the same jobs—except he's got 8 more years of work experience.

On Britney Spears,

“How bad of a celebrity momma do you have to be to lose your kids? I saw Britney's kids. There wasn't a mark on 'em. No bruises. No cigarette marks. They were well fed. What the fuck did she do?

“That must be a white kids thing, because they don't take black kids away. They leave them motherfuckers alone. I mean, Bobby Brown and Whitney got to keep their kids. Shit, O.J. got to keep his kids and he killed their momma.

“And O.J. had the nerve to show up on television talking about how hard it is to be a single father. Well, it ain't like she ain't returning your calls. She's dead. You killed her, motherfucker.”

On black men's obsession over white women,

“Black men love white women—and the fatter the better. There are brothers out there who will kick Jessica Simpson down a flight of stairs if she gets between them and Rosie O'Donnell.

“It's getting so bad, white women don't even need scales anymore. They can tell how fat they are by how many brothers hit on them in the club: ‘Damn, five n––rs hit on me last night. I've got to get to the gym.’”

Actually, it was funnier than that.

I laughed, I cried, I hit on several white women. It was a life-changing experience.