Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Remember how Martha Stewart emerged from jail in 2004 all slender and svelte? She lost ten pounds during her time out for insider trading and now we know why: She always worked out, her prison friend Lisa Guarino told the Enquirer, even when hordes of menacing lesbians threatened to disrupt her routine!

“Martha and I would do crunches at night. I would count in English and Martha would count in French. And then, I would punch her in the throat, because—for fuck's sake— nobody should get away with being that pretentious.”

One visit to the recreation center nearly ended in tragedy when strong-willed Martha shot her mouth off, revealed Lisa. “We were going to the usual room we used and the lights were off, which was odd. Then I looked through the window and I could make out some lesbians having sex.

“I warned Martha not to go in there, but she said it was our time to exercise, swung open the door, turned on the light and said, ‘No, no, no. That's all wrong—unless you meant to lollygag your tongue around her vulva while she moaned in disappointment before settling in for a full two minutes of dedicated attention to her uretha. Then, brava! Mission accomplished! But my guess is, if she wanted to spend years having unfilled sex with someone who couldn't find her clitoris, she'd be fucking men.

‘Now, if you'll use your shiv to cut out a swatch of that weight bench cover, I'll show you how to make a truly splendid (and inexpensive) dental damn. And with it, I'll show you what a good thing sex with a woman can be.

‘But first, this commercial.’”

Guarino said that at that point, she reminded Martha that just because the guards were watching on closed circuit television, it didn't mean she was doing her old show and that just because some lesbians were in their spot, it didn't mean she could get out of having sex with her. And by “reminded her,” Guarino said she meant “punched her in the back of the head.”

She didn't want Stewart to think she had gone soft.