As a Friend Once Said to Me as He Explained Why His Children Were so Well-Behaved: “Biff, Even the Simplest Organism Understands Pain”

What a great book! It's from the Baby Be of Use series, and what can I say about that other than “Well played, my friends,” because I can't think of a better use for a baby than as a bartender. (That's way better than doorstop.)

I know, I know. I hear you: “Biff, babies get a little heavy-handed with the Vermouth.” That's true, but if the research of B.F. Skinner has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to babies, perfect Martinis are just a few well-timed tasings away. (It's called tough love, people, and it didn't harm me none.)

When I think about how useful babies could have been to me, I regret having never been a father.