Stephen Colbert: Now that you have a child…, I also need to share with you my wisdom as a father.
Being a parent is a sublime and beautiful adventure, filled with unexpected joys and unimaginable terrors.
I hope you've enjoyed sleeping, because as a parent, the rest of your nights will be haunted by local news stories like this:
Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): Two things that I never thought would appear in the sentence: tampons and vodka. Do I have your attention?
Stephen Colbert: Yes. Yes, you do.
Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): Good. Because if you're a parent, you really need to hear this.
Officer Chris Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a valley high school. He's heard firsthand how kids are getting tipsy.
Officer Chris Thomas: What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons soaked in vodka first before using them.
Elizabeth Erwin (CBS NEWS): You heard right: teens taking tampon, soaking them in vodka, and inserting them there.…
Stephen Colbert: Nation, I wish—I wish—I could say that this practice … is limited to teenage girls, but as KPHO, Phoenix's news leader, reports, this phenomenon is equal opportunity.
Officer Chris Thomas: This is definitely not just girls. Guys will also use it, and they'll insert them into their rectums.…
Stephen Colbert: Parents, everywhere in America, boys are soaking tampons in vodka and literally getting drunk off their asses. … If you are with a teenage boy right now, chances are they have a vodka-soaked tampon in their butts.…
A very important advisory to my teenage views: do not do this! It is very dangerous, and for god's sake, if you soak your tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim.
It's true. I'm literally getting drunk off my ass, now. And you know what? When I switch to tequila, I'm throwing caution to the wind: I'm salting the rim, and juicing the limes with my ultra-toned glutes. (I don't do all those squats in the gym for nothing.)
2 Comments:
I know a guy who gives himself wine enemas,would you say that's weird?
Yes, I would, but only because wine enemas, like body shots, are best when done with a partner. Alone, they're just sad.
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