Thanks to the Prevalence of Guns, Violence, and Alcohol, the Chances of Me Dying from a Heart Attack Brought on by Fatty Foods Are Damn Near Nil

If you're in the mood for a caramel cloud nine, do Snickers tonight. First, freeze it. Then go wash your face, drink a beer — whatever you want to do while the candy bar chills. Once enough time has passed, peel back the wrapper, taking in the glistening chocolate skin of the candy. Lay it down gently on a cutting board and separate it into smaller pieces. Look at them longingly as they lie there with their peanut hearts on their sleeves, and tell them to hold on for a minute while you prepare the batter.

In a bowl, mix a cup of pancake flour, an egg, a cup of milk, and two teaspoons of cooking oil — oh, so nasty. Turn up your radio and get your groove on while you mix the ingredients together into a creamy texture. No lumps allowed. Think of it like your favorite lingerie — you want it smooth and silky. To quote Rod Stewart, 'Tonight's the night.'

When that's all done, prepare the oil. If you're not friends with a deep fat fryer, just fry the Snickers on the stove.

That's right: We're deep frying Snickers and feeling sexy. Wish you were Southern, don't you?