Now Seating Bitter, Party of One

A Recently-Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films

Inside Man

Spike Lee turns in his most commercial film to date with this taut, well-executed thriller about an unconventional bank heist. Denzel Washington, Jodie Foster, and Clive Owen all turn in solid, if not great, performances. But let me say this, if I were one of the thieves in this movie, I wouldn’t even bother trying to rob a bank. Instead, I’d marry the features editor of my college newspaper and convince him against his will to move to the suburbs, where I would try my hand at a few unsuccessful careers, including, but not limited to, opening a beaded jewelry store (for Christ’s sake.) I’d nag him until his hair fell out, then divorce him ten years later just as he’s trying to get his book published, and run off with his agent. Yeah, that’s what I would do. . . .

Despite the opportunities for heart break and soul rot, I'm going to continue the search for the first Ex-Mrs. Loman, nevertheless. There are some things that, despite their inherent dangers, you've just got to try, like bungee jumping and sex games requiring a safe word. Marriage, to me, belongs on that list, as well, down near the bottom, a last resort, something to do if the preceding items don't kill you.

You ladies are thinking, "How is this guy still single?" Well, buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you.