Reason 38,465 Why Our Army Is Better Off without Me

The 21-year-old specialist from Satellite Beach, Fla., is one of a number of military police Humvee turret gunners who are testing the U.S. Army’s new Cupola Protective Ensemble, or CPE . . .

Capt. Larry Bergeron, commander of the 549th, said the suits have probably saved the lives of three soldiers who were sprayed by shrapnel from exploding roadside bombs.

“One soldier’s visor stopped a piece of shrapnel that hit dead center,” said Bergeron, 31. “If he didn’t have that suit on the effects could have been catastrophic.”

Despite their protective qualities, the suits have earned mixed reviews from soldiers, who complain that the cooling systems frequently break down and that they “look goofy,” wearing the equipment. . . .

Soldiers wearing the CPE look and move something like small children wearing heavy winter snowsuits. . . .

The bomb disposal suits come with a pair of leggings and a large “diaper” that provides additional protection to the midsection. Since a gunner’s waist and legs aren’t exposed, those parts of the suit are not required.

Commanding Officer: This CPE, although cumbersome and poorly ventilated, can block direct shrapnel hits of Improvised Explosive Devices.

Specialist Loman: What's the downside?

CO: You mean besides being cumbersome and hotter than a camel's taint? It looks goofy.

Spec. Loman: Give it to me.

CO: Did you hear what I said?

Spec. Loman: Sir, yes, sir: Hot, cumbersome, goofy. Got it. Now, could you help me into this diaper?

CO: You don't need the diaper?

Spec. Loman: Trust me, Sir: If a piece of shrapnel hits my face guard, I'll need a diaper.