Because I Dig the Crazy

Bai [Ling], who has appeared in the movies Wild Wild West and The Crow, said: "I've met many crazy people on many crazy nights. Anything you can imagine...I've done it! It's in my nature to just run wild and I do."

. . . Bai reckons her sex life is governed by a gang of naughty "little girl spirits" who possess her and make her go wild. . . .

"They live inside of me and what I do on a weekend depends on which one of them comes out," she says. . . .

"They all wear miniskirts and they're very cute, always dressed up. One of the girls is a party girl who says, ‘Let's go party!' I say, ‘That skirt's too short!' She says, ‘No, it's not, I have underwear — you don't see nothing.'

"When men hit on me it all depends on which spirit I am as to how I react."

You know what they say, "You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas," except in Bai Ling's case, by "fleas," they mean, "welts, bruised wrists, and a very tender bottom."

And as if that weren't a big enough draw, she's got crazy eyes to boot.

I can't believe they didn't mention that. How can you write a Bai Ling article and never once mention that she's got crazy eyes? It would be like writing an article on Paris Hilton and not mentioning her cooter and the tiny vagina troll that dwells within. And that shouldn't happen.

Ever.

Guys like the crazy eyes, that little glint that says, "I could give you a night that would burn in your memory forever and keep you erect till the end of history, or I could give you a night that would leave you just so many body parts in my freezer. It's a gamble."

And I'd take it, throw myself on the mercy of Bai Ling and her nineteen Do-Me spirits, and do everything they could come up with, without once thinking of using a safe word. Because, one, you don't jump into the sex harness with Bai Ling and then curb her creativity with boundaries, and, two, do you really think that woman hears "whoa" when someone squeals a safe word? I think you just have to do it all, then cry yourself to sleep, and die of shame (or some cocktail of super venereal diseases that spank all known antibiotics) in the morning. That's the Loman Plan, anyway.