The First One's Free. . .

Jon: [Ted Haggard] went through a three-week, very intensive . . . Of course, a lot of people would say how do that do it? How do they turn this clearly gay man into a heterosexual. Well, it's very simple. You know when you were a kid and your father caught you smoking, and he decided to make you smoke a carton, . . . . Ted's been a busy boy.

Someone at the Daily Show's been reading my blog:

[from a 23 January post] How exactly do we C.H.O.P.S away the Gay? Well, we do it in the only way I know how. It's the same method my mother used when she saw a cigarette dangling from my lips and wanted me to quit. She got me to Choke the Smoke, by smoking pack after pack of Kools until I puked. (To this day, I can't go near a cigarette.) Copying that tried and true method, here, we chop away the gay by forcing you to have anal and oral sex with me, over and over and over again , bumping and grinding, pitching and catching, until finally you scream, "Enough with the Gay! There's got to be a better way!" (And you will.) Trust me. It works -- if not the first time, then definitely, by the second or third. I have never failed to turn a gay man straight.