And He's Putting the “Hurt” back in “Yoghurt”

Dear Sarah,

I would like to share with you some interesting information, as it was derived from your good work. I have loved to eat yoghurt all my life. I specially like it plain, without fruit or sugar. I just love the slightly acid taste it has.

I also love to perform cunnilingus on my girlfriend, and have loved it since I first tried it with my first fiancée many years ago. I specially love that acid taste, which I find fascinating. But it wasn't until I read your website that I connected both experiences. In your flora section I learned that it is lactobacillus that produces the acidic taste on both!

As I love my girlfriend so much that it hurts, and I want to have her in everything I do, I decided to produce yoghurt with my girlfriend’s lactobacillus. I bought a yoghurt machine, which is just an electric contraption that keeps small cups constantly at body temperature. I put plain milk in each cup, and then with the full and loving help of my girlfriend I swabbed a bit of her vaginal juices and put a small bit in each cup. I then mixed the contents in each cup, plugged the machine and waited overnight.

The results were fabulous! I love the product, which I call “Paige's Yoghurt,” and feel a special loving warmth each breakfast as I know I am eating her out! I have taken a few cups to work, which I store in the office fridge. A female co-worker pinched one from me, ate it, and liked it so much that she is asking me where I got it, but I do not dare tell her where it came from!

While I doubt sincerely that a co-worker would steal your food and then tell you how much she enjoyed eating it, I salute you, Yoghurt Boy—SALUTE!—and all of your efforts to put the “fun” back in “funky.” We need more people like you running around.

Sadly, if Sarah's response to your e-mail is correct, we're going to need at least one more soon, as you probably won't be with us much longer. You see, in addition to collecting lactobacillus on that Qtip when you swabbed Paige out, you collected quite a few other snuggies, E.Coli for one, that really thrive in warm and germinating substances, like milk. And needless to say, a flowering vag cocktail is nobody's friend.

On the plus side, I hear afterlife vagina is heavenly. (I think I read that in Deuteronomy.)

So, god speed, my funky friend. God speed.

For those of you who, like me, must remain here, trapped in this mortal coil, a piece of advice: eliminate the middle man. Instead of yoghurt for breakfast, just eat your girlfriends.

That way, everybody wins.

*This has been another public service announcement from Biff Loman and the worker bees of The Truth Network. Bon Appétit!