“Was That Wrong?” He Didn't Ask. “Because if Someone Had Told Me that Was Wrong, I Wouldn't Have Done It”

“The proclamation issued by this Office designating April as Confederate History Month contained a major omission. It failed to include a specific date for when the South will rise again and smite the New England hypocrites, the milquetoast Midwesterners, and the effete, Left Coast, PC thugs that have oppressed us lo these many years.

“That date is 12 April 2015. Mark your calendars.

“Apparently, there was a minor omission in the proclamation, as well—the failure to include any reference to slavery. That was a mistake (more like a slip, really when you think about, not really a big deal), and for that, I apologize to any Virginian-Americans—if you know who I mean and I think that you do— who may have been offended or disappointed.

“(When I say ‘disappointed,’ I'm only referring to Sheila Johnson, my black supporter. Hey, girl. Shout out. No one else can really make that claim, that they are disappointed. I mean, belittling slavery? ‘Duh,’ right? But I digress.)

“The abomination of slavery divided our nation, deprived people of their God-given inalienable rights, and led to the Civil War. Slavery was an evil, vicious and inhumane practice which degraded human beings to property. It has left a stain on the soul of this state and nation, and, my hand to God, it totally slipped my mind when I was writing the proclamation. Hey, black folks and race-betraying Virginians, my bad.

“In 2007, the Virginia General Assembly approved a formal statement of ‘profound regret’ for the Commonwealth’s history of slavery, which was the right thing to do, because it was the kind of empty-handed gesture legislators love and the Virginia General Assembly excels at—all talk and no statutes or state action. God bless 'em.

“I, myself, just don't see race, partly, because of my hiring practices and, partly, because of my constitutional right to associate with persons of my choosing. And I exercise that right and only frequent places where a man can enjoy the company of like-minded and similarly hued others—golf clubs, churches, Sandra Bullock's vagina—bastions of racial exclusivity where a person of no color can be alone with his thoughts. So, if I'm occasionally insensitive to the feelings of roughly 20% of you, you'll have to forgive me.

“It's not that I don't know better. It's simply that I don't care.

“Thank you for giving me this opportunity to clarify my remarks. God bless you, and God bless most of the citizens of Virginia”