Girls Gone Wilding

If your response to the mugshots of those delightful flowers of femininity is “Pollinate. Oh, yeah, Pol-Lin-Nate!” you might want to hold fast to your stamen, at least, until you've had time to read more about how they ended up in those mug shots.

On Oct. 6, sheriff's investigator Brandie Hart went to Somerset High School and met with an 18-year-old man named “Joseph” [Full Name Withheld because he's a special needs young man and needs a little more privacy protection than most] in regard to an assault that occurred on Oct. 1. Joseph told Hart he was sitting at home playing video games when he received a call from Johnson inviting him to come over to her house and “hang out.”

…After sitting around for a while, some of the individuals in the group allegedly began smoking marijuana. Joseph said he declined to smoke with them and went outside. He began playing around outside with Avery Johnson. Joseph said he joked about punching Avery in the stomach. It was at that point the evening took a frightening turn.

“Joseph said that the next thing he knew, Amanda came up behind him and pushed him,” reads the police report. “Joseph said that after Amanda pushed him, he started running and while he did so, KJB came over and tripped him and he fell on his face. Joseph told Investigator Hart that as he tried to get up on all fours, KJB kicked him in the rib cage and Valerie kicked him in the leg. … Joseph said that Valerie then put her foot on the back of his neck and stepped down on it. Joseph said he also saw Amanda stomp on his left arm with her foot.”

Joseph was eventually able to break free from the group and ran off. When he returned to the home, he found one of his shoes in the toilet and another in the bathroom sink. He grabbed his shoes and sat on the porch, where he told investigators that he thought to himself, “I cannot do this anymore.”

I know what you're thinking.“Biff, who hasn't been there?  Who hasn't been promised sweet, sweet love, and, instead, been curb-stomped, left unshod and desolate outside on the porch, contemplating the decisions that led him to rock-bottom and a soon-to-be-had, barefooted walk-o-shame home?”

And if the story of Shoeless Joe ended there, I'd be with you on this, waving this whole tale of woe off, saying to Joe, “Dude, it gets better, hang on, some time in the future the right bad girl will come for you.”

But it doesn't end there. It goes on, and it gets worse.

Bartkey allegedly approached Joseph and gave him a glass of liquid that she told him was lemonade. Joseph said he drank the substance, which he said tasted “kinda like beer.” It was not until afterward that one of the people informed Joseph that the liquid was actually urine from both girls, police said.

After Joseph was tricked into drinking the urine, Bartkey allegedly told him to go downstairs into a bedroom. Joseph told police he did what she said because he was scared. Bartkey allegedly joined him in the room and told him to take his clothes off. Joseph told police she threatened him, saying, “You better take your clothes off or I'm goanna take a pair of scissors to your pants.” Joseph said Johnson eventually came into the room as well.…

Bartkey allegedly took her own clothes off at one point and told Joseph she wanted him to have sex with her.…

Joseph said that, when he refused to have sex with Bartkey, she threatened him and grabbed a pair of pliers.

The police report reads, “Joseph said that … Valerie took the pliers, grabbed his penis with them and started pulling on it.… The report continues, “Joseph said that he didn't have an erection [hard to believe, huh? - BL] but Valerie wanted him to have one so she pulled on and twisted his penis with the pliers.…”

When asked by police to describe the pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst pain he had ever felt, Joseph said the pain caused by the pliers on his penis was a 10.

Wait.

That must be a typo or error in transcription, perhaps, the result of paraphrasing. I don't know. My point is, there's no way Joseph responded simply “10.” That didn't—couldn't have—happened.

This could have happened:

Police Officer: Joseph, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a gentle caress by a zaftig stranger in cashmere and 10 being the worst pain you've ever felt, what number describes what you felt?

Joseph: “On a scale of 1 to 10?!” A she-beast twisted my nether Twinkie into so many balloon animals with a pair of pliers, and you want me to describe what that feels like on a scale from 1 to 10?

“A gazillion eleven. On a scale from 1-10 if felt like a gazillion eleven, okay? One to ten: you mock my suffering with your 1-10.”

They must have edited that police report.

But I digress. Back to our story.

It was during the alleged penis torture that AJK walked into the room and ordered Bartkey and Johnson to leave. Joseph then got dressed and left. He ended up calling a friend, who in turn notified Joseph's grandmother and the police and paramedics were called.…

Court records do not list an attorney for either of the girls. They are scheduled to appear in court on April 12. If convicted on all counts, they could each face up to 40 years in prison.

Oddly enough, I fear for the 40 years (or anything or one who has to face those two). They scare the peanuts out of my shit.

So, yeah, ladies, if you beat the rap, call me.