Maybe That Would Shame Us into Being a Better Country. Ha! Ha! I'm Kidding.

I'm just an regular Joe
With an regular job.
I'm your average white, suburbanite slob.


I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice, hardwood floor.


My wife and my job, my kids and my car,
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.


But sometimes that's just not enough to keep a man like me interested.
No, I have to go out and have fun at someone else's expense.…


I use public toilets, and I piss on the seats.
I walk around in the summertime saying “How about this heat?”


Sometimes, I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.


I'm an asshole!

Seriously, if there were truth-in-anthem laws, we'd be forced to make this song ours. I'll admit this one's almost as good. Maybe, we could sing it during the 7th-inning stretch, the way the sing “God Bless America” at a lot of ballparks these days. Trust me. I'm not dismissing it out of hand. What I'm saying is, if anthems had to be about the the country as is and not about how it was suppose to be—how it should be ideally—our anthem would have to be something by Denis Leary.